Late-Night bada-bing

David Letterman's Top Ten Ways CBS News Can Improve It's Reputation:

"Stick to stories everyone can agree on, like cookies are delicious;

Move nightly "happy hour" to after the broadcast;

Stop hiring guys with crazy names like "Morley";

Can't figure out if a news story is true? Let Judge Joe Brown decide;

Every time Mike Wallace tells a lie he gets a life-threatening electrical shock;

If it turns out the story is wrong, give away 276 brand new cars;
After delivering a report, correspondent must add, "or maybe not -- who knows?";

Newscast consists of Dan Rather sitting down to watch Tom Brokaw;

Oh, I dunno, stop making up crap?


Jay Leno....

President Bush recently gave a speech at the United Nations. I don't want to say it was a hostile crowd but they had Bush stand behind a screen of made of chicken wire.

.... At one point, Bush said, "We are determined to destroy terror networks wherever they operate." Although by "terror network" it's not clear if he meant al-Qa'ida or CBS.

.... John Kerry says if he's elected president, he will go to the UN and persuade the other nations to help fight the War on Terror. We can't get them to pay their parking tickets -- why don't we start with that?

.... Saddam Hussein is [reportedly] depressed but defiant and still claims that he's the constitutionally elected president of his country. So basically, he's the Iraqi Al Gore.

.... Here's some news from the New Jersey Department of Environmental Protection. They are now letting people take human remains, mix them in cement, and drop them in the ocean to help make more reefs.
Didn't that used to be called "the Mafia?" ....

This year there are 50 women on the "Forbes" 400 richest list -- or as John Kerry calls it, his little black book.

.... John Kerry is still fighting a bad head cold. And with his head, that could last for years. ....

....Debates experts say President Bush could win if he doesn't get off message. But John Kerry could win if he gets a message.

.... I tell you, Bush is working very hard getting prepared for these debates. He even got one of those "Hooked on Phonics" tapes.
.... First [Kerry] gets the Botox. Now he's got the rich tan. In fact it was reported today that he got a bikini wax. Apparently the senator's confused. The "Miss America Pageant" was last week.